The Stonely Planet

The Emerald’s Humor Guide to Trimmigrant Culture

Trimmigrants are an interesting and diverse crew who flock here to take part in autumn bounty, lending their own agricultural stylist techniques to a grow operation near you. Whereas once it was damn near exotic to have an Oregonian helping tend the fields, so to speak, now you’re in a burgeoning international hub. So, in ambivalent honor of the first person who spilled the proverbial beans that lead to Irish transients asking you sweetly for work as they brandish beards as red and orange as their scissor handles, let’s take a brief, but fun trip dissecting each culture’s relationship to trim scenes, and how to get a leg up on their modus operandi. It should be kept in mind as one reads this helpful guide that I am in no way opposed to the influx, I actually find it rather fun and have nothing but great things to say about most of our ephemeral friends.

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This list is compiled from my years in the hills, and will not reflect every country, sorry Scandinavia. Maybe if you sent more of your women we wouldn’t have this issue. (Please, though. Do that.)

Canada

Our neighbors to the north in the Parker and Stone defined “frozen, desolate wasteland,” these egregiously friendly trimmigrants can either be the best or the worst people to occupy your trim scene. Their zest for outdoorsmanship will render most of them pretty well adept at taking care of themselves when it comes to their lodging and general survival. However, it should be noted that anything other than unkindness, or polite musings in their midst causes wave after wave of silent, boorish judgment, for you see…

France

The best (if not basest) way to put this is that the Canadians are nice, but are dicks about it. Whereas the French are dicks, but are nice about it. Canadians freakishly and almost disconcertingly revert to kindness. The French, however, vet you. They will put you through the ringer of their judgment, and if they deem an at least halfway intelligent creature, they will open up to you like the tarp just came off the crop. Never ones to disguise their truly feelings, and a bit more high maintenance, these lovely creatures are a welcome, fun, and surprisingly rowdy bunch. However, if we’re measuring rowdiness, one needs look no further than…

Australia

Yes, blokes of both genders from the former British penal colony that now boasts more liberal governance laws than most European countries and a better record of gun control than any of the aforementioned, has absolutely no problem keeping up with job requirements, or keeping up with you. One wonders when working with these people whether or not they’re even made of flesh and bone as they mow through crops and chug beers while still maintaining a blue collar demeanor that keeps most grow scenes chugging out pounds like a kanga in a bounce house. The only word of warning to all: do NOT try to keep up with their drinking, or their shenanigans. They are biologically more inclined to whatever they’re suggesting and you will come out the other side with a broken leg you earned on a dare and a broken liver you earned from pride.

United Kingdom

What can be said about these four countries (Correct. Google it.) that hasn’t been said before? Let’s make this rundown extremely pointed:

England

Occasionally poor work ethic is matched only by their sense of entitlement and an ability to deal with our rain. Many can be absolute delights though, but, well, ask the French.

Ireland

They’re perfect. Agreeable, but not as much people pleasing doormats like the Canadians, they’re perhaps my favorite additions to the trim scene.

Scotland

They’re like a Mickey Mantle rookie card in your collection, rare, chipper, and full of booze, these wonderful people are like if the aforementioned in the UK had their drinking way more controlled.

Wales

I personally have yet to meet any Welsh out in the hills, but I have included this to prove that I know that the UK has four countries. Again. Google it.

Mexico

As wonderful as anything you won’t read about in the newspapers, our neighbors to the south are generous, grateful, and giving with their time, and sure as hell know how to help with the crops. Most are actually not paid what they deserve for their time. Crazy, right?

Which leads us lastly to….

South America

Like Mexico, but with more topographical diversity and both Spanish and Portuguese languages. All, and I do mean ALL, trim migrants from this continent have been nothing but raucous, beautiful sweethearts. Their only hindrance may be their infectious spirits, which make working seem paltry compared to all of the fun you could be having. Don’t let it distract you.

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