The High Life

If you’re reading this then Mazel Tov on surviving the holiday season! Unfortunately it’s still arctic outside. The indoor season has commenced in more ways than one so I thought I might throw you a bone and give you a few creative ideas for keeping warm inside when, baby, it’s cold outside. This month let’s avoid getting pneumonia and keep it caliente. Make it your mission to try at least three of these things.

  Four words: Build. A. Blanket. Fort. Strip the beds, pull down the drapes and make a fabric mansion. The next step is super simple. Just fuck in it. That’s all. Get sweaty. Maybe take a short siesta and then bump each other again. Shazam.

  If making a mess of your place sounds taxing, try turning your bathroom into a sauna. And since El Nino stormed into the party don’t fret about the drought too much. Turn that shower on, steam up your pee room and then smear up shower doors and mirrors like you’re trying to recreate that scene from Titanic where Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet lost their virginity. The best part here is how the next time you’re rinsing off there will in all probability be residual evidence. A ghost smear, if you will. You’ll remember, smile and then wanna do it again. I’m here to help.

  This next may be a bit of a stretch for some but I would totally do it. Play the ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’ drinking game. If you aren’t familiar with this cinematic masterpiece it’s time to acclimate. The rules are loose (like my morals, haaaaaay) but I’ll give you a few bullet points. Drink whenever a ‘Karate Kid’ film is referenced, drink for the duration of the chainsaw throwing scene (Crispin Glover was here recently, so pay homage.), drink whenever anyone vomits, drink whenever an eighties song is played (you’re gonna be so hamskied), drink whenever one of the characters is depicted as their younger selves, or when anyone says anything about the “Great White Buffalo.” Then, when you’re nice and toasty, start humping. Moving on.

 Couples Netflix and Chill! Super simple stuff. Or… (and this is just a gentle suggestion) Imax and Climax. Get loud and stay warm. Actually that sounds incredible. I know what I’m doing tonight.

  Happy hour! When there is inclement weather it’s happy hour everywhere. Do not debate me! Experiment with exotic cocktails. Tie one on and get loose. Assuming you’re in good company, use those lowered inhibitions to get weird. I’m talking pomegranate martinis and Kama Sutra. There are sub-zero temperatures out there so get tangled up in them sheets.

  A naked video game marathon sounds amazing and as I’m typing this I can’t believe I’ve never had one. For shame! Tell me Mario Kart and Mexican hot chocolate in the buff doesn’t sound dope? Say that out loud right now and try not to feel stupid. You can’t. It’s a universal impossibility. In fact this is the suggestion that I am super suggesting. Strip down to your business socks, grab a mug and smack talk each other until the dialogue gets nasty. *This may only apply to people who truly appreciate the majesty of a Nintendo 64.

  At this point, let’s assume you are snowed in. Or don’t have a job or maybe called in sick. So you’re home- based for the day and are running low on activities. Put your pajamas on. I’m talking the two-piece, flannels your Mawmaw got you at Costco. Put them on. And pull your parts out of the alloted slot. We’re calling this the “Pajama Screw.” I don’t care if it’s midday. You’ve got nowhere to be and no one to answer to because you already told your boss you’ve got some made-up disease and feigned a cough. Pull your junk out and grind. Whomever you choose to copulate with is fantastic providing it is completely consensual. You’re burning calories, burning daylight and setting your loins on fire. Hot, hot heat.

I’ve provided you with many creative outlets this month. I expect little down time. Godspeed.

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