The High Life

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. -Mignon McLaughlin

Hello, Emerald readers! Please tell me you’re as fed up with this heat wave as I am? I do not fancy being sweaty all the time unless, of course, it’s in the bedroom… Or the car… Or on the living floor, etc. but we’ll come back to that. This month I will not be participating in the “hemp” theme. My colleagues have no doubt covered the topic thoroughly so I am going to detour from the script and keep it all about sex. A specific kind of sex: Married sex. Spooky, I know, considering how marriage and couitus is often protrayed negatively in the media. It’s said all too often that the sizzle begins to fizzle after the “I do’s.” The truth of the matter is that what keeps married sex the hottest is the security of a committed relationship. Boring, I know, so my husband and I have compiled a few ideas and personal stories to assure you it isn’t all that mundane.

I very recently tied the knot and am in absolute bliss. Naturally, as we are still in the ‘Honeymoon Phase’ there is no lack of lust in our happy home. But usually after the first month, maybe two, three if you’re lucky, the sex does change. It isn’t necessarily a bad change. Maybe you’ve finally become comfortable with your lover and are anxious to experiment. Or sometimes life gets busy and there just isn’t time to commit assault with a friendly weapon. Do not be discouraged! The most important thing many committed folks will tell you to do is to prioritize intimacy. So maybe the all-night monster mash isn’t conducive to early work hours or maybe there’s a new baby. Don’t put pressure on yourselves by comparing the frequency of your current love making to when you first started mingling limbs. You were animals then — now you’re a spouse. You agreed to marry someone because you knew they were your forever person. The good news is that you don’t have to hold back anymore! No more campaigning! Schedule a freaky session, don’t flake on it and ask for that weird thing you couldn’t quite voice because you were afraid to scare them away. It’s too late for them to run now, you locked it down.

One of the many perks of this sacred bond is releasing your inhibitions. One of my favorite comedians sums it up like this: “You know what the best part of being married is? You get to stop pretending. That’s what dating is, it’s an act. You’re on Broadway. For however long you’re dating you’re doing an act. And it looks exhausting. Then you get married and he’s like, “Can we knock this off now?” And she says, “I hope so cuz I gotta fart pretty bad. I’ve actually had to fart for like four years.” It is sexually liberating to get married especially for men because here’s what happens; when you start dating somebody, the first thing you think when you see the girl is, “I want to get in there.” Or however you phrase it. Then you go on a few dates and as you get closer to the magical act happening a lot of times a woman will ask a guy, “What are you into? What do you like?” And this is when a man’s brain goes, “Don’t… Scare her.” So we lie to you. “Uh, I like to hold hands and I like when you blow on my neck, that’s cool.” And then you get married and you’re like, “I want you to yank on my ballbag like you’re stuck at sea and this is the only motor that’s gonna take you home.” (Tom Segura, ‘Completely Normal’, Netflix. Go watch it!)

Now, that might not be your thing but you see the picture he’s trying to paint. Ask! Ask for what you really want. My husband and I are very comfortable expressing our desires. It makes for a very fulfilling shag.

So if you achieve this level of comfort maybe you want to try a few things some folks might consider taboo. We are not those folks. Try and keep it legal, kids. No snuff films or human trafficking, seriously.

Recently we visited an adult entertainment retailer to pick up some home goods. His and hers if you’re hearin’ me. We enjoy incorporating extra play as another way to keep things interesting. Visual aids can be a fantastic boost. Do it together, set some boundaries, and agree on a video. Beware the refractory period. Side note: At this particular adult store in Seattle I experienced my first ever adult theater. By “experienced” I mean I walked into a room set up like a movie theater with several seats, happened upon a gentleman who had paid for admission and then ran out of there like the place was on fire. I was just totally curious about how they set up such a venue. I am no longer curious… The store employee made certain to tell us that couples are admitted into the theater free of charge. That was our line in the sand, though I swear I harbor no judgement if you choose to partake.  

A really healthy way to keep your engines running is to fantasize. Think of your spouse when you’re apart. Think of all the acts you want to engage in, think of ways you might enjoy being intimate and maybe put together a plan for your sexy date night. I can build myself up into a frenzy (the good kind) so by the time we are finally alone it is GAME ON. Remember to stretch before these marathons. We learned the hard way how important it is to be limber.

My final tip for the continuing enjoyment of your marital mortar and pestle is actually something every couple should practice when your clothes are still on. Remember when you first fell in love and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? You sat next to each other at restaurants, rarely got up to pee without a kiss first and touched in passing as often as possible. According to a study done by the Mayo Clinic, that kind of intimate, non-sexual touch stimulates the oxytocin production in your dome and is actually the brain chemical that motivates you to bond with your mate. Everyone craves that sort of touch and in addition to boosting self esteem and perpetuating your connection, it also fuels sexual desire. So reach out and touch faith! Hugs, kisses, what I like to call “pets” or soft strokes are scientifically proven to improve overall health.
Cheers to many happy years for us and all of you committed, saps. May you never stop laughing or screwing, even when the jokes and sex are lame.

Written by Sherae Brown

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