Oh, the weather outside is weather! Happy holidays, Emerald family. This is the first holiday season I will spend outside of the Golden State and inside of Seattle where it is uncomfortably cold. Fortunately, this is the time of year when it’s completely acceptable to do less, eat more and quit shaving above the knee.
This year has been a wild ride and it’s coming rapidly to an end. We made it through the Rio Olympics and an election that made our brains hurt. We lost Prince and Ziggy Stardust. California legalized weed and the Cubs finally won the world series. We won some and we lost more. But the adventure isn’t over yet! So grab your favorite slippers, your brainiest friend, your kindest pal, your most courageous bud and your little dog too because we’re headed down the Mellow Brick Road to the Emerald City.
It is currently below zero and pouring icy rain here in Seattle. Personally, I don’t care to be uncomfortable — ever. I don’t like to be too hot or too cold. In another life I was probably that little blonde gal who broke into the home of a grizzly family and bitched about everything until she found her happy medium. This weather report means I will not be venturing outside anytime soon and susceptible to cabin fever. How will I endure? All work and no play makes Sherae create chaos just to watch the world burn.
It has been unanimously suggested that I “pack a bowl and pick a flick.” So that is just what I intend to do. This month I’ve compiled a short list of suggested films, strains and snacks to default to when you wanna be like me and stay in your robe. Get in, loser, we’re off to see the Wizard.
Mellow Brick Road Destination Uno: It’s a little bit Christmas and a little bit WTF.
Film: “Krampus” (2016)
The idea of a Christmas themed, horror movie might sound nuttier than a Snickers bar but this cinematic treasure manages to produce an amusing mix of humor and mild scares. I laughed in high octaves in the theater.
Strain: Jack Frost
In keeping with the character driven, impish, Christmas theme we suggest this strain as it is especially uplifting and euphoric in its effects. It’s been known to usher in the giggles and proven helpful in treating anxiety, stress and loss of appetite which will behoove you as we suggest you pair it with an ample batch of peppermint, fudge brownies.
Mellow Brick Road Destination Dos: A little something for the Disney princess in all of us. (Even you, dude.)
Film: “Cinderella” (2015)
Disney is finally venturing into a world of live action remakes with its animated classics and they are stunning. Sitting through a movie in theaters takes some effort on my part as I cannot pause it to pee or refill my wine glass. However I was awestruck by this cinematic masterpiece starring Rob Stark and one of the ladies from “Downton Abbey.” It kept true to many of the aesthetic aspects of its animated predecessor and spared us the dramatics of mice harmonizing. (I don’t do musicals. Why are you singing a question at me? Stop.) My favorite part of this Cinderella adaptation were the subtle hints of frisky feminism. Anything you can do Cinderella can do better.
Strain: Cinderella 99
How fitting! This strain is highly potent so be cautious with your intake or risk fits of paranoia or deep slumber. This is a strain you won’t need much of and boasts a tropical aroma and flavor palate that is sweet and earthy with notes of citrus. It’s a parent strain for Glass Slipper and absolutely perfect for a movie night revisiting a new take on an old fairytale classic. And to tie it all together we suggest you drink champagne out of your favorite shoe. *Results may vary after midnight*
Mellow Brick Road Destination Tres: The space between All Hallows’ and Christmas Eves’.
Film: “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993)
Because it’s all gothicky, Christmassy, romantic and Tim Burtony. It’s an easy go-to when you wanna toke, veg and appreciate.
Strain: Jack Skellington
Again, how convenient. Named after the movie’s charming protagonist, Jack Skellington, is a crystal coated, Sativa hybrid said to have a fruity, citrusy taste and an effect that is intensely psychoactive and creatively encouraging. There’s a decent chance Burton was under the influence of something similar when he created T.N.B.C. Pair this with a piece of pumpkin pie fit for a Pumpkin King.
Mellow Brick Road Destination Quatro: Because even smokers with self respect laugh at Adam Sandler’s earlier work, occasionally.
Film: “Happy Gilmore” (1996)
In this one, Adam Sandler plays a lovable but violent, profane, skirt-chasing hockey player trying to earn money as a golf pro. Chalk full of quote worthy ha-ha’s, we recommend puffing to this flick with a little strain named after a pro.
Strain: Tiger Woods
This is a sativa-dominant hybrid named after the famous American golfer. The buds are dense and ideal for beginners looking for a heady entry point. Although it contains a lower than average THC percentage (between 10-15 percent) it’s been known to pack a punch in the form of mild paranoia which isn’t uncommon for unseasoned smokers.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! We’ve arrived at the gates to the Emerald City. And if you’ve managed to stay awake this entire time, I tip my hat to you.
My final flick suggestion is not the 1939 musical-comedy, fantasy film based on Frank L. Baum’s novel, “The Wonderful World of Oz,” like you might have imagined. “The Wizard of Oz” (starring the incomparable Judy Garland) is easily my favorite movie of all time. I believe I’ve dressed in a blue gingham dress and red shoes for twelve of my thirty one Halloweens. It borders on obsession. Anyway, in lieu of the aforementioned classic I encourage you to take a chance on a much darker Frank Baum adaption with the 1985 “sequel,” “Return to Oz.”
Film” “Return to Oz” (1985)
It stars Fairuza Balk (“The Craft,” “Waterboy”) as Dorothy, a young girl struggling with sleep deprivation and nightmares since her return to Kansas. Aunty Em is having a tough go rebuilding after the famous tornado and a mentally ill child isn’t making life on the farm any easier. The solution? Drop her off at the looney bin and zap her mind straight. Dorothy escapes from the asylum and gets carried back to Oz via natural disaster only to find it in ruins. This time her band of merry misfits include a talking hen, a chubby wind up toy and a pumpkin headed bloke with MAJOR mommy issues. I don’t want to give away too much as I strongly encourage you to watch this but please note; there’s a lady who steals heads, dudes with really long limbs and wheels were their feet and hands should be. It’s absolutely worth the trip down the mellow brick road.
Strain: Emerald OG
Almost instantly after smoking Emerald OG you’ll feel a deeply relaxing effect that inspires creativity and leads to soaring thoughts. This feeling slowly melts into a potent couch-lock with a high level of pain relief that leaves you blissfully lethargic and completely at ease. As you come down you may feel sedated enough to ease into a deep and peaceful sleep that may encourage some Oz-like dream adventures of your own. Just try not to drop any dream houses on anybody’s dream sister. It might start a WWII level dream munchkin war. Speaking of munchkins and, er, the munchies, I suggest you order a pizza and tell them to draw a flying monkey on the box because, frankly, I’m out of ideas.
Thank you for accompanying me on this lazy, stoner journey through the land of Oz and OG. I’ll be seeing you in 2017, Emerald lovers. Stay green.
Written by Sherae Brown