A few days ago, illuminated only by the light of a series of candles in the furthest, most ominous nook of the the
Emerald’s new Eureka office, The Rule of Law was kind enough to join me for an in depth interview about their
controversial policies, their knack for profiteering, and the fact that a concept has been made flesh and bone.
I sat eagerly awaiting The Rule of Law’s arrival for about forty five minutes after our arranged time to meet, only to realize upon their arrival that I was being roped directly into a power play:
SG: Ah, welcome! Was everything okay getting here?
ROL: Yeah. Everything was fine. Let me explain something, Sam, you can wait for me. I don’t wait for you.
SG: Feeling spicy today, aren’t we?
ROL: Yeah. I’m just not used to these small towns. I don’t really have much of a foothold here.
SG: Let’s talk about that, you are defined as a legal principle that law should govern a nation, as opposed to being governed by arbitrary decisions of individual government officials. You seem to be in the more abstract phase of your career, care to talk about that?
ROL: Yeah, a lot of my earlier stuff was a bit more rigid, a lot more clear cut, but then I took this trip to Southeast Asia, and it really opened my eyes to how much can be done when one abandons most of their entire concepts of, well, giving a crap about people. So I thought, ‘I really need to get to work bringing more of this back over to this country.
SG: So what you’re saying is that you’re redefining yourself? Like-
ROL: Yes, like Madonna. I always like to keep things fresh. I’ve got some Draconian things that I’ve been toying around with lately in the studio. I’ve been particularly enjoying your little county.
SG: And why is that? What’s most attractive to you about Humboldt County?
ROL: Oh, it’s hilarious! My influence here is like holding a wolf by the ears. I don’t want to be holding the wolf in the first place, but I’m sure as hell not gonna let it go! It’s these fun little grey areas that have always made me feel the most inspired. Here you have a place that’s lone economy is rooted in illegal grow operations. The farmers and the college are all, ‘But what about us!?’ and then small business owners are all, ‘Hey, we help, too!’ and it’s really just adorable. It’s just fascinating to be in a place where if I was to do anything about it I’d cripple the entire damn area.
SG: Have you thought about just targeting methamphetamine production?
ROL: Now why would I do that?
SG: Because it’s a rampant issue that is both systemic and solvable?
ROL: But then who are all the stoners going to feel better than? You gotta think about these things before you speak, Sam. As an algae bloom feeds the plankton which feeds the other sea creatures, if I was to just go after all the meth labs, the bottom of the pecking order collapses.
SG: You don’t think we could just find a better solution?
ROL:Nah, I like screwing with you people. The best, the BEST, is when weed is both legal and illegal at the same time in any place. That’s really the stuff I’ve wanted to do my entire life, but you gotta pay your dues in this business before you can get to the more unconventional stuff. Even the Beatles wrote “I Wanna Hold Your Hand,” ya know?
SG: Um. Sure. So, to reiterate, you’re no longer interested in finding solutions in your career?
ROL: No. I’m long past that. I’ve been reading a lot of Dadaist literature as well, I think it’s going to make an exciting next phase of my career. I’ll give you a little taste: so when the oceans begin to rise uncontrollably? Guess what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna re-evaluate the definitions of ‘coastal property’ and create new zoning laws so that everyone has to keep moving their houses back every few years. Also, I’m going to outlaw floatation devices. Can you imagine the sight of a bunch of sweaty, homeless people bobbing up and down in the ocean? I think it’s beautiful.
SG: I think you’re sick.
ROL: They always criticize a genius when they’re so used to the conventional.
SG: Who’s they? Why can’t you just do your job like a normal Rule of Law.
ROL: Who are you? Who are you, man? What do you know? You. You sound just like my father.
SG: I’m not here to help solve your daddy issues..
ROL: Now you sound like my mother.
SG: You’re the worst, Rule of Law.
ROL: Whatever! What about traffic laws!? THOSE ARE COOL!
SG: Please leave.
After this moment, the Rule of Law angrily stormed out of our offices, and, in retaliation, backed a few more GMO farms around the county. Pestilent little creature, that.