Happy anniversary, Emerald Magazine! This publication has produced so many interesting and informative stories in the last four years. Cheers to many more. If memory serves, the Emerald did a feature story on me in the inaugural issue back in my comedy days. We were babies back then. Memories… To honor the magazine’s birthday, I thought we could take a different walk down memory lane and learn about the various ways cannabis has been used to aid and improve women’s health and sexuality all over the world.
I recently discovered a product called Foria Relief. It is, essentially, a ball of weed you insert into the vagina to alleviate menstrual cramps. I repeat; you insert the herb into your minge when your uterus decides to refresh itself and make you miserable. And according to the testimonials it really works. Midol might get your through a rough day, but legend has it just one Foria suppository will get you through your entire, terrible cycle. (ForiaPleasure.com for the interested)
This miracle weed tampon is a relatively new product that women are using to improve their quality of life, but cannabis has provided a solution to vaginal related ailments for literal centuries. Now, Germany doesn’t have the best reputation, right? We’re on speaking terms and we’re OK with them buuut there was that thing that happened and no one is ever going to let it go. They’re a mildly terrifying people as well… Wait, are there any Germans here? No? Cool, let’s keep talking about them. In their favor there is tale of a German doctor using cannabis to successfully cure STIs like gonorrhea in the early 1800s. Anyone who suffered through elementary school sex-ed was battered with the knowledge that gonorrhea, if untreated, can cause infertility. So, ladies, if you wanna make them babies, first: try not to get the clap. Do your best. But if you’re unfortunate enough to contract it obviously seek treatment and then smoke a fatty. Score: one for Germany.
Weed, weed, the miracle cure! It cures diseases, that’s for sure!
Alright so back to our weird history lesson. There was a time when people actually abstained from sex until marriage. What a freak show! In the early 1930s Russian brides would slather a mixture of lambs fat and nasha (cannabis) on their genitalia to ease the pain of deflowering. Would it be weird to put that on your wedding registry? Anyway, in a translation of the Ebers Papyrus (an ancient Egyptian medical record) it suggests women would insert marijuana into the vagina before child birth to ease their suffering. I’ve given birth, twice, and epidurals are everything. A modern, medical miracle. But how thuggish would it be to say, “Nay, anesthesiologist! Just shove some Train Wreck in there and I’ll bare down”?! Actually you’d sound like a lunatic but if this were back in the Pharoah’s days, I bet you’d be grateful for any relief at all.
Just for fun, let’s give a little love to the boys and their favorite appendage. Whiskey dick can just scram because Mary Jane is about to save the day. In parts of the world where Western medicine isn’t easily accessible, herbal remedies are heavily relied upon. In Uganda traditional healers have leaned heavily on cannabis as a cure for erectile dysfunction. The healers combine ingredients to make a chew, tea, beer or what is basically fermented cream-of-wheat. Of course it can simply be smoked. Puff, puff, boner.
I’ve spent the last few days reading anything the internet has to offer on the history of weed combined with sex. I’ve had lovely conversations with stoner friends, pot shop owners and sex therapists. Hands down my favorite weed and romance related story stems back to Mr. Romance himself, William Shakespeare. Oh, Romeo! Remnants of cannabis were found in his smoking pipe in his home. Billy liked to blaze. Way to be, Billy. And it clearly behooved his incredible career as those familiar with Sonnet 76 where he stated:
“Why is my verse so barren of new pride,
So far from variation or quick change?
Why with the time do I not glance aside
To new-found methods and to compounds strange?
Why write I still all one, ever the same,
And keep invention in a noted weed,
That every word doth almost tell my name,
Showing their birth and where they did proceed?”
You have to at least want to believe the rumor about Shakespeare using cannabis to fuel his creative and romantic imagination. He got (lit)erary, y’all! The Sultan of Sex used this plant to make his timeless, important works incomparable.
It’s been on earth forever, providing pleasure and reprieve from pain. It makes our
periods suck substantially less and allegedly makes a wiener work again. Way to go, weed. You’re the real MVP.
Written by Sherae Brown (O’Shaughnessy)