Cannabis Crackles: Drugs Declare War on War on Drugs


Photo by Andrew Goff, Burning Man 2015

The year 2015 was an astonishingly successful year for cannabis advocates across the nation. From legalization and well regulated sales in Oregon and Washington to the report of Congress ending the federal prohibition on medical cannabis, it can be stated plainly that if the Reagan administration’s War on Drugs was to declare a victor, last year the sound victory was on the side of drugs.

The government didn’t foresee that the drugs they finally legalized would hardly be content with one meager victory. Since then, many drugs, with cannabis leading the charge, have set out to wage a tactical counter-strike on economic institutions throughout the nation, using the least reported side effects that many drugs have on their users: common sense and free thought.

Cannabis has been portrayed by the opposition’s propaganda machine to cause violence, bloodshed, sloth, and even fiendish behavior. However, common sense and free thought employed by growers nationwide dealt a crippling blow to the nation’s alcohol and gambling economies, with insurance companies and the prison-industrial complex reported as ‘seriously injured’ by the latest GDP survey.

“I guess people just don’t do too much crazy shit when they’re stoned,” said a spokesperson from Anheuser-Busch, who preferred to remain nameless, “especially when they finally had an epiphany that we’ve basically been serving them horse piss for over a hundred years.”

“I mean, I’ll go for a nice microbrew every now and again,” began Lyle Carlye, Eugene, Oregon resident, “but, like, I mean, I have to work in the morning at my Planned Parenthood clinic, and I like to end my night by reading some historical non-fiction with a good twenty-two of craft cider. It’s so relaxing. You should try it!”

Many popular Las Vegas mainstays have been forced to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy after a wave of cannabis, psilocybin, and lysergic acid diethylamide use was reported throughout Nevada, thanks to the sweeping popularity of Burning Man and other festivals of the like. The flourishing of minds has proven destructive to taking unnecessary risks.

“Gambling just seemed like such a waste of my energy and time,” began Claire Franklin of Gerlach, “I just realized that the whole notion of ‘get-rich-quick’ is shaky terrain at best, and furthermore, I’ve always felt so much more empowered when I earn my successes on my own. I’ve only been to Vegas recently to see a few showgirls, but that’s because I respect their work ethic. That’s not easy for anyone. Plus, my god, the heat!”

The timber industry has reported massive drops in the third quarter as hemp has begun to replace most paper mills, while the construction workers’, nurses’, and teamsters’ unions have begun to report significant spikes in productivity thanks to the influx of pure, Colombian coca leaf in the workplace.

With over half the nation’s incarcerated being freed of their drug charges, the sociopolitical diversity of our suburbs and cities has expanded, with a significant increase in the number of African- and Latino-Americans rejoining our communities, much to the chagrin of law enforcement and a small, silent cache of intellectually inferior whites.

“What’s happened to my country?” stated Douglas Farner to the sky at his Odessa, Texas ranch.

“We all realized that it never was just yours,” shouted Luis Banegas in a passing Impala on his way to work at his new hedge fund firm. When we caught up to him later that afternoon, Banegas continued, “Yeah, I mean, I know the drug game pretty well, so it stands to reason that I should be pretty adept at screwing people out of money at an international level.”

Emerald contributor since March 2012


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