Santa Barbara: Chocolate Massage Anyone

Santa Barbara: Chocolate Massage Anyone 


The mission of Santa Barbara, like all California’s mission strung out along the Camino Real the length of the Golden State, were established so that the Spanish Main could lay it’s royal claim and mark it’s territory in the New World. The missionaries along with a conquistador or two were the first “intruders” into the newly discovered lands that had been discovered long ago by another people, the Native peoples who at the time of Spanish Conquest already inhabited the region. The Spanish plan was simple, convert the natives, subjugate and enslave them. Christianity was shoved down their throats at the point of a sword and the by-product of this holy conversion, venereal disease soon spread and nearly decimated the native populations. God and gonorrhea are a deadly combination. Now you know what I have a fear of religion and church!

Today, Santa Barbara has shed it’s barbaric past of Christianity and cruelty, and today is America’s answer to the swinging Riviera. Sounds pricey, eh? Fear not, even a high priced hotel hooker can be had on occasion at street walker prices! Even though it is an American Casino Royale wannabe, Birkenstocks and flip flops go just as well as fishnets and stiletto heels or whatever your foot fetish fashion statement happens to be.

Many resort towns have spa’s with mud baths and cucumber treatments, but Santa Barbara gets downright decadent by offering the hedonist within a full body chocolate scrub and rub! Drench your body in rich, creamy chocolate, covering every delicious orifice on you, and your mate is sure to understand the phrase, melts in your mouth and not in your hands, as you become a human Valentine chocolate treat to delight and excite the senses with the power of a sugar loaded aphrodisiac! You can even get in a round of “chocolate role playing” as Godiva Chocolate meets Mr. Goodbar! Yoga and aroma therapy are the cool yin and the hot yang of Santa Barbara, so after your round of chocolate orgasm, treat yourself to more spa-delicious massage experiences in this wonderland of touchy feely sensuality.

The “locavore” movement is a phenom here. Local produce is used in most restaurants, and the battle cry, “Shop local!” when it comes to farm fresh produce is a mantra practiced to extremes. Venture a little bit out of the city, and farm stands pop up like colorful magic mushrooms on a Sergeant Pepper album cover, one must see place is Fairview Gardens located in Goleta not far away. It is one of the oldest organic farms in California and a bonafide organic super star. If your a fan of seafood, then all aboard for a gastronomical sea cruise right at your table at any of the finer restaurants that serve it up Pacific fresh.

Wine drinking is a bacchanal old chum, and in Santa Barbara you can not only imbibe, but hike the Wine Tour Trail right in town on your own do it yourself urban wine tour for the urbane vino voyager within. These are world class wines and along with world class dining it’s a fornication of tastes that is as sexy as food and drink can get!

The wine crowd is known for quiet contemplation and a bit of jazz, but for the more rock and roll rowdy amongst us, the brew crowd, bottoms up Baby! Boisterous Irish pubs and clubs with pounding Celtic music can be found at ground zero party central in Santa Barbara where you can get pleasantly sedated on State Street in a vibrant downtown atmosphere. You don’t even have to be Irish, but, if some is wearing a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt…what the hell..just do it! He or she probably won’t mind. You’d be surprised at how many non-Irish wear the shirt just to get in on some of the action! You can take on Minnesota Fats at a pool table or two to show your prowess with a cue and 8-ball-in-the side-pocket cool attitude and many of the clubs have “theme” nights to take advantage of. Hiking and biking are must do’s at this beachside resort and one interesting twist is that you can rent a beach cruiser bike to wow the crowd and blast across the sandy shores as one baddass son-of-a-beach!

What’s a California beach town without surfers? Nothing, so wax your woodie to surf the wild ride, and get ready to boogie board it on the pristine cresting waves with curvaceous curls that would put Marilyn Monroe’s shape to shame! Sea kayaking is always a Pacific pleasure and you can get in your fair share of paragliding and your chance to maybe not soar with the eagles, but party with the pelicans!

Art galleries and a maritime museum will fill the requirements of “educational family time’ if you must and a botanical garden for flora exploration will appeal to the John Muir instincts we all instinctively have. These particular gardens are 65 acres of native California eco-systems displayed showing everything from the redwood forests to the deserts of Southern California. Unless your name is Donald Trump, you may be looking for lodging a little more in the budget price range than the Waldorf Astoria. When you have a seeds and stems budget as I do, cheap works just fine. There are many budget motels, along with the pricey resorts and bed and breakfasts, but there is something in just about everybody’s range and comfort zone in accommodations. You know my favorite by know, rustic camping up the amps! RV parks and campgrounds with cabins are available as well as my favorite, camping on the beach. Get campy in the moonlight!

Chocolate and cappuccino to mocha and massage, Santa Barbara has it all. Beaches, bikini’s, blues and brews. It’s a Pacific playground for the rich and famous, not to mention, you and I, the not so rich, and the not so famous. Chocolate massage, anyone? Everyone?



Photo courtesy of Stock.Xchng.

Author of The Sandoz Collection FREE E-Series – Sex, drugs and rock and roll! To order your FREE E-copy email Mike at (Also includes Mikes two other e-books (The Atomic Hula) & (The Peyote Coyote) The Collection is Free to all Emerald’s free so order today)

Emerald contributor since March 2012


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