Smoking Devices That Don’t Look Like D*cks

By Samantha Wahl

Why must everything pure and good in this world so closely resemble a goddamned dick? Who else is done with the sexual innuendos associated with a simple sesh?

I, for one, am fully over it. They took our microphones, but they will not take our voice. They took our sandwiches, bananas, our popsicles, but they will NOT take our pipes. 

It’s time to stand up and fight for shapes that dismember the patriarchy, puff-by-puff. Here are some powerful cannabis devices that will not pass for penis, no matter how hard you…look at them.


Heart of Glass:

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This might be the most precious bong in existence. Village Grannies is run by two actual grannies in the East Village of New York City. They sell a plethora of bowls, bongs, and pipes in zany shapes, providing wisdom with a flair for whimsy. They know their stuff, and can advise on any oblong apparatuses. 


The Perfect Substitute for a Cock? How About a Rock:

Stonedware™ Company from Portland, Oregon makes porcelain pieces in drool-inducing color palettes. Their works are sculpturesque, and can double as ornamental mantelpieces during off-hours. Or you can put them to work against your mouth as intended, and they’ll just look like really REALLY tasty stones, nothing else.


Sorry to Anyone who has Seen a Dick That Looks Like This:

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*Holiday Sale* 20% off all pottery, crystalline jewelry, planters and whatnot through Friday. Just use the code “POTTERY” at checkout through my website and etsy shop. I’d rather eat a cookie than use one of these pipes anyday, but I’m sure someone will enjoy it… whoever put me in charge of marketing has made some questionable decisions. I’m also including a rustic looking little corked jar with these pipes.

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Wares by Willemite Ceramics from Asheville, North Carolina, maintain the configuration of classic pipes without looking phallic. Their sloped bodies make for a satisfying grip, the insane green-blue glazes are irresistible, and nobody will mistake them for genitalia unless they’ve had some, well, unique experiences.


Half of the Objects in this Photo Were Designed for Smoking Weed:

Laundry Day is a woman-owned, Canadian company making unconventional smoking instruments that transform the stigmatic landscape in which we experience cannabis. Of the three cannabis-agents pictured above, not even one so much as echoes the essence of a dick. These products are so innovative, some even double as wall art.


All Hail Caitlin Rose Sweet:

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✨✨✨glow and fade✨✨✨ The remaining stock of the Pussy Pipe and Kushy has been adorned with gold. Take your glow up to a new level. This is also a good bye to these pipes. I am slowly reimagining my ceramic offerings and these babes are being getting transformed. My next version will be a portal of big pussy energy that isn’t so rooted in anatomy but more a channeling of cosmic pussy. – – THESE PIPES WILL BE AT @breadxbutta FLOWER SHOP ON SATURDAY. – -anything left over will be listed on my site. – – -#bigpussyenergy #bigdykeenergy #gold #glowup #feminist #cannasexual #highfemmegoods #ceramicpipe #goodpussybelike #queerwitch #queerstoner #highfemme #cannabiscommunity

A post shared by Caitlin Rose Sweet (@caitlinrosesweet) on

At this point we can all agree, the best way to butcher the demeaning burden that is priapic paraphernalia is to replace it with pussies. Brooklyn-based artist, Caitlin Rose Sweet is queen of “pussy pipes,” “boobie bowls,” and “lady bubblers,” smokeware royalty amongst menial nobodies. Her art is interactive, proactive, and as seen in this video, literally glistens in queer positive glory.


We’ve seen prime examples of alternate models. They do exist. We don’t have to subject ourselves to cylindrical, phallic smokery. So let’s rework the doors that lead to euphoria, put our lips to better use against the molds that have dominated years of cannabis culture, and rise above them. 

Emerald contributor since September 2019


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