An Absolutely Objective Product Review: Green Monké Cannabis-Infused Beverages

Happy Hour Happy Soda Series. Photo Credit: Green Monké.

Preemptive Review

Five out of five alternatively-spelled Monkéys. 

I know the numerical review normally appears at the end of a review. But since Green Monké sent me a fun six-pack with a variety of infused drinks, a disposable camera (with flash), and some really pretty green crinkled stuffing in the box, they get a preemptive five out of five. Call me a sell-out—or if you own a cannabis company, just send me some stuff. Seriously, email Emerald and tell us you want to send me (Teddy) your fine cannabis products. (I’m in Florida though) 

In all seriousness, these goodies were presented well, were precisely dosed, and received mostly positive feedback from our Emerald taste testers.

BreakDown of Green Monké Happy Hour Sodas

3 mg THC, 6 mg CBD

$5 per can

Green Monké is a cannabis company that makes fruity-flavored, cannabis-infused beverages. The series that I tried was the Happy Hour Happy Soda line, with three different flavors: Mango Guava, Orange Passionfruit, and Tropical Citrus. The drinks also feature a unique child-proof tab that we’ve noticed on other drinks we’ve reviewed—like Wunder Beverages. And while some of the reviewers noted it was hard to open, it also allows users to reseal the drinks for later or to prevent spillage.

Each sparkling soda drink contains 3 mg of THC and 6 mg of CBD. They are currently available in California, and soon, other states across the U.S.

Distributing the Monké

I need to keep this review as scientifically objective and professional as possible, so, to avoid relying on my own subjectivity and potential bias, I knew I’d have to enlist others to try the drinks. After I gave my local delivery driver a Green Monké, I had five drinks remaining. Which is still plenty to get some honest and unbiased feedback from a group of my peers.

So, I pulled up to Lakeside Skatepark in Kissimmee, Florida and began distributing the Green Monké cannabis-infused beverages like they were the COVID-19 vaccine—side note: Floridians are much more likely to chug a free cannabis drink then they are to be inoculated by the COVID vaccine. 

Some were already too stoned to drink the Green Monké cannabis-infused beverage, and some said they’d wait until later that night when they went to work. It took a few days to get back the responses.

Reviews

The reviews are as follows: 

Local delivery driver, habitual smoker and edible eater. Flavor: Tropical Citrus. 

“Didn’t feel shit. Didn’t even hit me at all. My tolerance is crazy high though, I can only deliver mail if I’m high. The taste was pleasant though, crisp and refreshing. I’d drink ‘em like fruit sodas. Should have made Teddy give me all six.”

Local skateboarder #1 “Madre,” habitual smoker and occasional edible eater. Flavor: Tropical Citrus. 

“That drink is good lol. I liked the fizz. The only thing that’s a con in my opinion is the slight synthetic, almost Splenda aftertaste. The sweetness of it tastes like Splenda. But the drink itself is fire lol. Idk if it was the drink or not but we were funny high (we caught the giggles).”

Local skateboarder #2 “Trash-Dert,” habitual smoker and very occasional edible eater. Flavor: Mango Guava. [Note: “Trash-Dert” is one of the very rare people that gets no effects from cannabis edibles.]

“No effects on the psychoactive but CBD was cool, relaxing. Taste was like an ordinary seltzer, not too shabby. I’d pay $3-$4…if I was a yuppie.”

Local skateboarder #3 “Sushi,” semi-habitual smoker and occasional edible eater. Flavor: Tropical Citrus. [Note: Shared can with “Madre”]

“It starts as a buzz and progresses to a body high, similar to an edible. The actual taste wasn’t necessarily bad but not the best. It has this synthetic flavor similar to an energy drink. I’d pay anywhere from $1-$5 for it. I didn’t drink a whole lot of it, but I can see how a whole can would definitely get you to a nice place.”

Local skateboarder #4 “Georgette,” habitual smoker and occasional edible eater. Flavor: Mango Guava. 

“First drinking Green Monké, there were no obvious changes. The middle of drinking it, I felt no change. Then about 10 minutes after drinking the can, my body felt pretty relaxed and my mind was calm as well. Mango Guava flavor with a slight essence of cannabis, reminded me of the taste of kava. I’d pay between $5-$6 dollars for it. I enjoyed drinking the product, I would definitely drink again. The effects could be compared to the opposite feeling of an energy drink. Opening the tab of the can was slightly difficult; it was challenging to get a good grip to lift the tab up. Sliding it open was no trouble though.”

The Lab Results are in…

The drinks passed the lab evaluation, with all of the THC and CBD levels being within 10% of the advertised amounts. The tests found that there was an average of 2.88 mg of THC and an average of 5.88 mg of CBD across all flavors of the Green Monké Happy Hour series. 

Research shows that more than half of CBD-infused beverages contain fewer cannabinoids than what the company advertises. If products test within +/-10% of CBD that is advertised, they receive an “A” rating.

All Green Monké beverages receive an “A” rating of ingredients promised through advertising. Each test result falls within +/-10% of what Green Monké advertised.

Overall, the Green Monké cannabis-infused beverages passed the local skateboarder/delivery worker taste test and the ultra-precise lab exams. And I personally agree with all of their reviews: pleasant tasting fizzy drinks with nice mild psychoactive effects. They are priced at $5 per can, which most people thought was a fairly reasonable price. The only caveat is the Tropical Citrus flavor, which seems to have an aspartame aftertaste.

5 out of 5 alternatively-spelled Monkéys.