Panel of Doctors Concludes Cannabis as Cure for Not-Currently-Being-Stoned
A ground breaking triple blind study from The Brookings Institute, comprised of participants comprised of a diversity of ages, backgrounds, and socio-economic standing, has definitively concluded that cannabis is, indeed, the cure for not being stoned at the moment.
The study conducted over the course of thirteen years, and spearheaded by celebrity sociologist Flannery O’Shea began to yield startling spikes in conclusive positive data when marijuana was finally offered for participants to smoke to attempt getting stoned somehow. O’Shea, noted for his numerous contributions to the scientific community, was thrilled to see such notable progress in such a short period of time. His only trepidations that he seemed to have about the study were that answer didn’t present itself sooner.
“It was really extraordinary,” O’Shea said, “I, personally, am the type of man that fancies themselves pretty adept when it comes to picking apart problems or patterns and determine the solution or outcome. I will admit though, I am still pretty shocked whenever a character on Game of Thrones is violated or killed. I never see it coming on a show where that occurs! I, was also stunned to see that there was pepperoni on a pepperoni pizza that I ordered the other night when I had expressly ordered a pepperoni pizza earlier. I also haven’t so artfully handled the hard truths. Like when I learned that all of the sugar still in my soda is not magic diet sugar, it’s just sugar, sugar. That was a jagged pill to swallow.
However when I learned that sometimes I lose socks, it filled me with that amazing bemused euphoria that comes with having an epiphany of that magnitude. I swear, we are advancing so far beyond our wildest expectations of what we even dreamed as possible. For our selves.”
“Think about it,” O’shea continued, “more and more people are using their turn signals with each passing day! Just the other day I was driving my automatic mobile and a fellow who had to turned found a way to alert me of that beforehand! Stunning. Back to the study, I must give credit, the other day I was conversing with my colleage, Wilhelm Kleiniemusik, and it was actually he who suggested I give the participants marijuana as opposed to tupperware, Russian literature, oxycontin, or thumbtacks, as had comprised my last few years of study. I thought him a loon at first! We laughed about that later with great hearty meat laughter.”
Kleinemusic was unavailable for comment on the breaking story. Currently the German astrophysicist is conducting a study of his own: scaling the Matterhorn to define what the word ‘tall’ means. Conversely, there is a competing study of geologists digging as deep as the Earth will allow to illuminate the vague concept of ‘Hey, what’s that down there?’
This marks a revolutionary day for everyone with mild object permanence skills. The world only wonders with baited breath: are there other ways to be high? The future looks bright for O’Shea and the global intelligencia.
“We know there are other problems in the world, but think of our work like your government’s work. If we don’t devote all of our resources to the seemingly inconsequential or abundant, how will you all keep giving us money for things, and ourselves? Exactly. This is why we’re the scientists after all.”
Fun Fact: Our own organization itself has been gnawing on the savory fact jerky that lists are fun in articles people prefer reading! See if you can count why at home!
Bic Lighter Gives Tearful Plea to be Reunited With Her Family
Hello. My name is Emilia. I haven’t seen my family in over eight months. The last time I saw them was under the white lights of CVS, glowing as bright as the heavens. I was with my mother, my father, and my two brothers. I’m the green one. They were red and yellow, I hope that helps. When the great pink mitt put its mitt sticks on us, our plastmosphere was torn open, and we all fell out. Soon I was thrown into the denim cave. I could hear the shouting of my family as the earth began to sway. It rocked with the grace of our family’s firebringing ceremonies during guitar solos. For months now I have been surrounded with itchy plants and stinky sticks. There’s always sounds of laugher from the pink mitts. They appear to enjoy trading me amongst them. One night I’m in one denim cave, the next night, another. I don’t know what they all need me for! If you see me, I currently have a little star drawn on my bottom. The pink mitts have made me theirs. They occasionally set me down on wooden planks. If you see me, please, help me get back to my family. Remember, they’re red and yellow, I hope that helps.
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