High Life: Work That Kush Off

By Sherae O’Shaughnessy

By now I’m sure you’ve gathered that this month we are talking about sustenance. Grub. Goulash. Nourishment. Fare. Cuisine. Slop. FOOD! And since it’s a socially accepted fact that cannabis encourages grocery intake, and with my job being to heighten your sexual experiences, I thought I would give you a few fun, helpful ways to burn off that holiday kush. I, with the help of a very attractive, physically fit gentleman, have compiled a list of “Sexersizes” to help you achieve a “Coregasm.” Sex puns already? Oh yeah, I’m comin’ out swinging!

So let’s get down to it. The following are a few gentle suggestions that encourage intimacy while creating a calorie deficit.

Some folks aren’t into foreplay. “Too much work,” they whine. We don’t have sex with those people because those people are selfish and boring. Foreplay is awesome and often necessary. Prolong the main event and build up to it. You can incorporate fitness a few different ways, like a pole dance strip tease. Pole dancing classes have become a wildly popular way for women (and, sure, men too) to get in a good workout while learning a few enticing moves. Install a removable pole in the bedroom and get your partner’s blood pumping. You could always carry your partner into the bedroom before the dancing. I love being lugged around like a Princess. That would absolutely get my motor running. Then slam me down on the bed like a medicine ball!

Nude paired yoga. Middle aged man rests on shoulders of young woman

Alright, you should be all warmed up so let’s talk cardio. Now I don’t know why, but there is an amazing sexercise referred to as the “Morning Dew.” One partner mounts the others’ shoulders from the front. We’re talking pelvis to face contact. Very convenient. The free standing person then does squats while attempting to pleasure the lucky one. Feel free to trade places. Don’t be greedy.

There are many ways to get creative with an exercise or ab ball. I’m not even going to coach you through this one. Figure it out.

Circuit training is my favorite way to sweat it out. Get together and decide on your three favorite positions. None of that missionary nonsense, you both need to be working at it. Then set a timer for forty five seconds. When time’s up, switch. Do three rounds of these and thank me when your sex life and physique have been thoroughly

If physically feasible there are always naked bicep curls. Pick that sex pot up and curl them to your chest for three sets of fifteen reps. (I actually just want to know if this is possible, so tell me how it goes. I really hope no one pops a vertebra.)

I’ve never done this next one (I’m serious, don’t look at me like that) but it’s been a sexual staple forever and both parties have to have some kind of physical stamina. I’m talking about “The Wheelbarrow!” Assuming you know what a wheelbarrow is, you do that but with a person instead of a bucket full of dirt. The person playing the part of the garden tool will need to be able to hold a plank position for a considerable amount of time and the standing mate will have to hold their legs at an angle that will allow for entry. This is one of the more demanding suggestions and will definitely burn some of the post-munchies goo off your glutes.

There are simpler activities if the aforementioned sound like physical impossibilities. It could be as simple and sexy as naked Zumba or yoga or throw in a Jillian Michaels DVD, complete the workout and then give each other fellatio to finish! Shazam.

By far my favorite idea is not exactly cheap or doable for many people but wouldn’t it be dope to have a rock climbing wall in the bedroom? Then you can see dat ass from a different atmosphere.

I recently got back into the gym where I almost died and then didn’t, then almost barfed and then didn’t. Working out sucks for most of us but everyone likes to screw. This is why a little from χολυμν Α and a little from χολυμν Β can help whip us into shape for the new year.

Emerald contributor since March 2012


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