The High Life: Air Emerald

  This month I’m gonna take you around the world, babes! Let’s learn about weird sex on a global level. Full disclosure; some of these facts aren’t sexy. Just hilarious. I’ve carefully selected a few “fun” facts about some ways people get their rocks off in other countries.

  Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Flight Attendants, prepare for take off.

the-red-light-district  If you look out the window to your right you will see WWII Nazi, Germany where syphilis was rampant. Our next destination will be beautiful, freaky Amsterdam! Most grown humans are familiar with the city’s infamous “Red Light District” where everything goes. Especially cannabis. I remember when people would fly from all over the world just to legally smoke herb. The Red Light District has no scarcity of back slapping, vacationing frat boys and flat out perverts, but did you know the Holland government provides a stipend so that the disabled might enjoy some companionship? Indeed. They are allotted a monthly sex allowance. A subject that is the source of some controversy. But come on, everyone is entitled to a little lovin’.

  Captain O’Shaughnessy on the mic again. I’ve turned off the fasten seatbelt sign so you are free to join the mile high club.

  Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some slight turbulence. Nothing to worry about. I hope you’re enjoying your adult beverages and special inflight showing of M. Knight Shymalan’s ‘The Happening’. But if the film is making you consider opening the cabin door and jumping to your peril, simply remove your headphones and prepare for our next destination. Tibet!

Typically Tibetan Monks are known for steering clear of most earthly indulgences. But there is always an exception to the rule. About 500 years ago a Monk by the name of Drupka Kunley was making the kind of coitus that puts Ron Jeremy to SHAME! Before I enlighten you with Drupka’s exploits please note that he also accomplished a great many noble things. Namely introducing Buddhism to Bhutan and building the Chimi Lhakhang monastery. But our peaceful friend was best known for what was dubbed the “Campaign of Romance.” He preached enlightenment through sex and was eventually knighted the “The Saint of 5,000 women.” I’m sure you can do the math on that. He was a heavy drinker and womanizer who claimed he was able to change a woman wrought with sin into a goddess through the magic of his weiner which was known to the ladies as, “The Thunderbolt of Flaming Wisdom.” If there was a penis naming contest this dude would walk with the trophy.

Indian lovers in tantric position, north-west India original manufact, 10-11 century

Indian lovers in tantric position, north-west India original manufact, 10-11 century

  And that brings us to our final destination, folks. Beautiful, exotic India! In researching the Kama Sutra, written by ςāτσψāψανα and first published in 2005, I discovered that India is not at all as liberal about sex as the literature would infer. The publication actually consists mainly of poetry, love and family life and only about 20 percent of suggested sexual contortions. Still, we associate it with, “Let’s try something new, honey.” I assumed everyone in that hot, beautiful land with amazing cuisine was very sexually open. Untrue. In fact, pornography and sex toys are a big, fat no no. A first offense for possession of materials could land you up to two years in prison and a second could put you at five. It is said the reason for this is the increase in sexual crimes which have pushed the government to ban all sex related materials.

  Flight attendants, prepare for landing. We hope you’ve enjoyed your weird sex facts on Air Emerald. We hope you will fly with us again soon.

Emerald contributor since March 2012


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