The High Life: From the Streets of Seattle

  This is a fun opportunity to announce to all my Humboldt friends that I have officially relocated to the state of Washington. Specifically I am now Seattle based.

  The weather is completely bipolar, it’s unreasonably expensive and people are always running everywhere. Instead of the Slug-Bug game we play “How many people are running in the rain right now?!”. But here’s the best part; WEED IS LEGAL HERE! So consider me your semi-permanent Seattle correspondent. I will still be covering all things sex but considering my new home is far more lax on cannabis culture I’ve decided my inaugural Seattle Sex Summation literature  should be set adrift with hilarious tales from locals about stupid and/or funny things they’ve experienced whilst under the influence and under (again) or on/top of another person.

   The following are true tales of people high off their Northern United States asses before, during and after sex. No names have been changed to protect the contributors because the specifically requested I dime them out for being too blazed to figure out how sex works. Believe me, friends, Seattle is chalk full of stupid tales concerning coitus mishaps.

Mindy: “After my girlfriend finished penetrating me with a strap-on we blindly set it on our bedside table. Suddenly we heard our children entering the residence and since I was “high as a kite” I hid it quickly and (as it turns out) very efficiently. For two months we searched high and low for our detachable appendage but it was fruitless. Finally, it was time for some Spring cleaning and I was dusting the whole house. I was Swiffering the armoire when I fingered something phallic-ish. Low and behold it was our long, lost playmate. I was so stoned when we wrapped up our session that I tossed our toy at the summit like a sexy sacrifice! The giant place where we park our shirts. We had a good long, laugh. Then we made sex!”. This story has a happy ending.
Danny: “I was so blazed I thought we’d lost the condom somewhere inside of her. We didn’t. Because a month later I found it on a Taco Bell napkin under my drivers side seat. Bullet dodged.”

Renee: “My partner put a device on her clitoris that was alleged to enhance her orgasm. The device was supposed to encourage blood flow to her most beloved
female appendage, I took  longer to return from work than I’d previously assessed to attend to this device (which is basically the plastic version of a traffic conductor) at which point most of the blood flow had all but vacated her body. When I asked her, “Why”, she simply said, “I forgot.” How the fuck do you forget that the most sensitive part of your anatomy is in a vice grip?!” She was probably distracted by ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’. Have you even seen that show? What do women over forty even do when they aren’t yelling at each other in front of a camera?! Plastic surgery, probably, but still get a hobby. Smoke weed and yell less. A gentle suggestion.”

Chris: “I forgot we were having sex because ‘Family guy’ was on. We don’t talk anymore.”

   Having the sex on pot is dope. The dopest, in fact. Pun intended! Just don’t forget things like your strap-on or your clit, or the fact that you’re humping someone. I shouldn’t have to tell you that. But (apparently) I’m here to help. Happy Smexing! That means smoke-sexing. Wrap it up!!!

Emerald contributor since March 2012


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